Well, here we are. We made the move from Colorado Springs to Albuquerque. Our old house is sold and our new house is slowly transforming into "our home."
Last night, after another full day of unpacking boxes, running to this store and that for those consumable items we didn't carry along, we settled in to watch I Am, the 2010 documentary by Tom Shadyak.
My family tends to poke fun at me about this, but I hold onto the belief that the universe has a way of bringing us messages in ways that appear spontaneous or coincidental but are in fact in answer to the energy we are emitting. I know. It sounds a little far fetched or supernatural. The truth or falsity is not important. What is important is the choice of the believing. I choose to believe it, so I see it. I have been journaling about the accumulation of STUFF that now inhabits our new space. Shadyak's film is a confirmation of the feeling we are all sharing here as each of us takes on the obligation of choosing what we need and what we no longer want crowding our space. For Shadyak, "I Am" is a bookmark. He begins the film asking what is the cancer of this world--"I Am," and what is the potential remedy? "I am." The cancer he sees is the accumulation of wealth and objects symbolizing that wealth--and the competitive action it requires to obtain them. Love is the remedy--love for all, not wanting anyone to suffer, not even our enemies.
But these words, "I Am," have ancient meaning, that wasn't touched on deeply in the film. When I saw the title, I associated it with "I Am That." Soham (or if using a chanting meditation, you might be more familiar with the inverse HamSah), in Sanskrit, the word is formed by two words: Sah (he) and Aham (I) which together formed gives us the He I or, in other words, He am I . . . and shortened further, I Am (for further explanation see What is the meaning of Soham?)
In this reversed and shortened version, however--Ham Sah or Hamsa--also becomes the white swan which is the symbol of the individualized self, the essence of the self, which for many is the life force (god). This also brings us to Judaism and Islam where the Hamsa is an amulet to ward off evil.
So, for me, I am is resonate with Ham Sah/Hamsa, all pointing to what the film does cover, the essence of what the individual means in a world living alongside so many other individuals. I worry, however, that some might walk away from the film believing that the answer is denial of the self. This is one of the confusing aspects of Buddhism, the absence of all want. Sometimes, extreme asceticism is thought to be the answer.
What isn't in the film is the honoring of the journey to the realization Shadyak makes about his accumulation of wealth. Shadyak saw it as the cancer he is attempting to remedy by selling his home and most of his belongings, but the journey to that point must be honored because without it, he couldn't have made the film. He would not be in the position that would enable him to interview Desmond Tutu . . . only someone in a position of power (in this case, power as a successful director) would have gained access to interview those he was able to interview in the film, and therefore, give it to us. The film is a gift to the world, one he could only give after having taken the journey he did.
I painted the above tree on our youngest daughter's wall. We looked through pics trying to decide how she wanted HER space to be. This is what she chose. A place to read, a tree for reflection. In the bedroom my husband and I left behind, this lotus flower represented the essence of balance between us. A poem by Khalil Gibran bordered its leaves.
The point the film makes that I take in answer to my own overwhelming feelings is the point that we each need our fill, but to take more than we need is where it becomes insanity (imbalance). Gracing our new walls with old and new images of us has made a foreign space our own. But we are also, each of us, prepared to let go of those things that are no longer needed, that are excess.